Daily Word: Light

The sun creates light. We humans love light. It is bright, it makes us happy. Sunny days equal days at the beach. Days spent outdoors. I believe the light makes us all a little happier. We need Light to thrive. To exist. God's Light.

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a Light unto my path." 
Psalm 119: 105 (KJV)

That is the very first verse from the Bible I ever memorized. It has a special place in my heart. All throughout my life it has been, well a lifeline I suppose. Like any young person I strayed from the way and the truth and dabbled with the Devil. The teenage years of angst, parties, cutting corners, telling lies  and sneaking out hit me hard. But every now and then I would remember that verse. I was straying from the Light but if I remembered to trust God, to love God, and to put him first I would find my way again.

I believe that God's Light is like a lighthouse. Sailors relied on lighthouses to guide them away from dangerous shoals and reefs and dangerous coastlines. And to guide them to safe harbors. God is no different.
I am a tired sailor being tossed around in the grey waters of life. Most times without a paddle and a lifejacket. My boat is small with many holes, but I manage. And when the waves get too rough, when a tidal wave sneaks up on me, I am saved. Out of the darkness a light brighter then any sun or star finds me, embraces me. It is a comforting light, a peaceful light that engulfs me completely. I am wrapped in the light and reminded of how much I am loved. And when my faith has been restored I am gently cast out to sea once again.

To Dads for your Daughters

Found this adorable list of 50 Rules for dads to follow in regards to their daughters from: LifeToHerYears


My own daddy has done many of these.
He is especially good at:
2. Always be there. Quality time doesn’t happen without quantity time. Hang out together for no other reason than just to be in each other’s presence. Be genuinely interested in the things that interest her. She needs her dad to be involved in her life at every stage. Don’t just sit idly by while she adds years to her life… add life to her years.
5. Pray for her. Regularly. Passionately. Continually.
11. There will come a day when she asks for a puppy. Don’t over think it. At least one time in her life, just say, “Yes.”
15. Dance with her. Start when she’s a little girl or even when she’s a baby. Don’t wait until her wedding day.
and
18. Tell her she’s beautiful. Say it over and over again. Someday an animated movie or “beauty” magazine will try to convince her otherwise.


50 Rules for Dads of Daughters

There is no place I'd rather be right now then at Camp Robbinswold. I want to be sitting on the dock with my feet dangling in the water of the Hood Canal with my friends. Dinner long over, but the sound of friends still chatting in the lodge coming down the bulkhead. Small campfires are lighting up from Enchanted Forest all the way down to Barnacle Bay. The sun is still setting and the stars are coming out, both sharing the pale sky. Some of us have our guitars and the entire camp is singing. Our songs around the campfires reverberating in the air. I remember how we all never wanted those long summer days to end, but well aware that they eventually would.

Camp Robbinswold 2004

5 Top Regrets People Have At the End of Their Lives | Alternet

Hopefully we were all daddy’s little girl. He was and hopefully still is wrapped around our little finger. Not to take advantage of…more just for the comfort of knowing he is there.

Violette DeSantis

Today I took a nap on my mom and dad's bed. Though my dad has pretty much turned their old bedroom into a Bachelor Pad, he also kept many things that make the room, mom.
I love sleeping on their bed when the sun comes in through the big bay window, the two smaller ones open ajar and the double french doors on mom's side wide open. You can hear the waves lap at the shore and breathe in the smell of the tide. As I lazily open my eyes I can see that the room is still a dusty light blue with sand and crisp white trimmings. The theme in here is beach cottage. Actually our whole house is beachside cottage. That's my mom for you.
Her pictures still hang on the wall. Pictures she painted and pictures of her most precious things in the world; my brother and I. I can smell lavender for she had lavender pouches all over the upstairs. I relax my bones on the old familiar bed. Light. Everything about this room is light. Even in the dreary rainy days this room seems to give off light. Golden ivory hues seep in through the many windows.

No one else is here. No one has been for a couple days now. All is still and quiet here.

And so I get to dream. And remember.

International Women's Day

I miss these amazing women.

I was blessed by them.

And honored to spend a whole summer with them.

We laughed, cried, grew, challenged ourselves and each other, we fought, we forgave, we danced around campfires, and sang at the top of our lungs.

We trusted each other.

And learned to trust ourselves.

We swam, we sailed, hiked, ran, jumped, napped, taught, and we learned.

Many times we stepped out of our comfort zones.

But we did it together.

These are my friends.

These are my soul sisters.

I love them.

"Because he gives me courage."

"Mithrandir, why the halfling?"

"I do not know. Saurman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I find. I found that it is the small things. Everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps it is because I am afraid. And it gives me courage." 

The rain falls softly on my window pane. It is a soothing sound. A reminder of my childhood. My love for big heavy blankets remains. As does my love for fuzzy fortresses in the living room. A snuggly dog by my side and a mug of hot apple cider in my hand. I am six years old again. Delightful.

A Woman of God

“ I want to be a woman who lives totally abandoned to the first commandment: to love my Lord, my God, with all my heart. I don’t want the reputation that I love God, I don’t want to write songs about loving God, I don’t want to talk about loving God. I want to actually love God. When I close my eyes, I want my heart to move. When I close my eyes and I look at Him, I want to feel alive on the inside. I want to look at Him with a fire in my heart and it’s real. ”

butterflies. 

"I must go down to the sea again. To the lonely sea and sky. And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by..."
Sea Fever by John Masefield

"...at your service..."

Steel drums.

I had forgotten how much I love the sound of a steel drum band.

Word of the Day: Envy

Envy is powerful.

"If only I was more like her..." / "Look at her, she's beautiful." / "What can't I have what she has?" / "She's the perfect one in the family." 

Envy is destructive.

The more I try to mold myself to be more like someone else, the more I lose myself and despise the person I think I want to be. When in the long run I was happiest when I loved me, for me.

Psalm 139:14

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex (and individually unique)! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

Last night I slept. For a full twenty hours I slept and dreamt I was swimming in the bay at my granddad's. At least, that's where I began. I was swimming beneath the stars. They were so beautiful - true jewels shining in the sky. Soon it got to the point that I could not tell where the water ended and the sky began. The horizon line had disappeared.

And I was simply swimming in the stars.

Happy Birthday mommy, how I love you.

Mama & Mama Frost

2006

There is a line from Taylor Swift's song '22' that goes, "We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time...it's miserable and magical..." I love it.
I'm sure she was singing in regards to heartbreak, but I was thinking the other night of words that describe my life. Right now at this moment. And that line sums it up perfectly. In the course of a week alone I've been lower then low, then higher then high. I've had setbacks and major steps forward. Life is great, it's freedom, it's confusing as Hell, and lonely at times. And it's definitely miserable and most certainly magical.

The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears, and the sea.

Isak Dinesen

And the Hood Canal

Hands.

I miss those hands. Those strong, worn, weathered hands. Mine are worn too, but not in the way yours were. Mine are from dry skin and a cold icy winter. Yours are from living. From holding countless pencils, oils, and paint brushes. From countless throwing of pots on the wheel. From strumming your fingers on the guitar, lighting campfires, and paddling down the Hood Canal with your old friends. Your hands hoisted sails and tied knots. Your hands sewed and stitched and made beautiful upon beautiful pieces of art and amazing quilts.
You hands were worn from years of working hard, raising kids, raising a family, holding a job. Your hands held tiny hands and kept them safe. Your hands held small hands kissing away their bumps and bruises. Your hands held growing hands as they grew up needing to hold yours less and less. Your hands held on tight and your hands let go.
I miss your hands, mom.

Dear Mojo,

Hi handsome. 

I just wanted to remind you how much I love you.

And how much I need and appreciate your love in return.

I cannot imagine my life without you.

You never cease to put a smile on my face.

I miss you so much when I have to leave you.

But I know you'll always be there waiting for me to return.

Everyone needs to know the companionship of a dog.

You are mine and I am yours.

I love you schnauzer.

Thanks for loving me!

Every girl is expected to have caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama and doll tits. This is why everyone is struggling.

Tina Fey

Story of My Life

“

It is hard to be a fat girl. No matter how much you tell yourself how sexy, talented, amazing, worthy, fabulous, and genius you are, there is a pretty serious backlash that you are facing – on a minute by minute basis. And, I’ll tell you, I consider myself pretty tough and persistently body positive, but it is not easy to be kick-ass all the time. Especially when someone tells you point blank to your fact that you are fat and you need to lose weight or you will… (insert really scary reason here – usually culminating in the fact that you will be fat, alone, and unlovable until you lose some weight).

 

And I absolutely guarantee that inside every phenomenal kick-ass fat positive role model is the tiniest inkling of doubt and fear, and every once and a while, when you are feeling a little vulnerable, even the toughest, most awesome girl can be tripped up, even if they refuse to admit it. I’ll even go out on a limb and say that I believe this so wholeheartedly – anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. This is not to say that we should just succumb to the cultural standards and get all weak in our knees when someone calls us fat – we will keep fighting and loving ourselves no matter what and becoming role models for other women to follow in our example, BUT there has to be some room for honesty in the equation. And honestly? It is not always easy to be a Body Image Warrior.

”

—	gleeky: mercedes and the bout of negative body image | Medicinal Marzipan

“Amelie has no boyfriend. She’s tried once or twice, but the results were a let down. Instead, she cultivates a taste for small pleasures: dipping her hand into sacks of grain, cracking creme brulee with a teaspoon, and skipping stones at St. Martin’s canal.”

Jean-Pierre Jeunet, Le Fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain

Everyone should have themselves regularly overwhelmed by Nature

George Harrison

Marmot Pass

In defense of Fili, Kili, and Thorin Oakenshield

Sometimes on beautiful sunny days (like today) there will be just a quick moment where the sun will dance across my eyes. I'll see a flash of sparkling light out of the corner of my eye. And I can hear my own childhood laughter with my mom's familiar laugh too. But only for a moment. It is a moment though where I know she's saying hi.

Words.

I've seen it floating around on the interweb so I do not know the exact source, but I came across a list of words someone wanted to use more often. I was taken with quite a few of them. So I have included those with some words of my own that I want to use more this year (and in general.)

bravado, lovely, fetching, beautiful, Freudian slip, breathtaking, tangible, superfluous, gumption, great (in size), avant-garde, bona fide, epitome, charisma, faux pas, harbinger, zealous

Aa' menle nauva calen ar' ta hwesta e' ale'quenle.

Aa' i'sul nora lanne'lle.

Tenna' ento lye omenta.

~

May thy paths be green and the breeze on thy back.

May the wind fill your sails.

Until next we meet.

You took my hand and you whispered,

"Come to me when, you're weary.

I'll give you hope when you're hurting

I'll give you rest from your burdens."

The weight is lifted now...

"Come to Me" by Jamie Grace

If it is right, it happens. The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away. 

John Steinbeck

Hot cocoa at midnight is the best.
In an oversized mug of course.
Where the whip cream gives you a sweet mustache.
You look pretty ridiculous.
But so do your friends.

~

This is the perfect time to whip out pen and paper and write everything and anything.
There's something about being chilled on the outside but toasty warm on the inside.
Content.
Insightful.
Coffee shops are where I get some of my best ideas.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

1. Recognise that comparing yourself to others is a destructive habit. It’s a recipe for low self-esteem as there will always be people who are ‘better’ than you and ‘worse’ than you. In the end, it leads nowhere, wastes a lot of time, and leaves you feeling worthless and inadequate.

2. Recognise that we are all unique. No two people are identical. We have different outlooks, we view and interpret things differently, we have different life experiences, and we feel different emotions.

3. Stop being afraid to simply be who you are.  No-one has the right to dictate what you will do, think what you will think, or determine who you’ll be. You deprive yourself and others if you bury the real you. (And if you feel you’ve lost yourself then try to find yourself again.)

4. Forgive yourself for your past - for what you did and who you were. We all have regrets – but that is not your destiny.

5. Don’t be afraid to put your own needs first at times. Don’t be a people pleaser; establish boundaries.

6. Learn to own your emotions. They are part of who you are. Don’t bury or repress them for fear of being judged.

7. Do whatever makes you happy because it makes you happy. The more fulfilled you, the less you’ll want to be like others.      

The Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring (Book 1), Chapter 1, pg.46 

“Well, that’s that,” he said. “Now I’m off!

They went out into the hall. Bilbo chose his favourite stick from the stand; then he whistled. Three dwarves came out of different rooms where they had been busy.

“Is everything ready?” asked Bilbo. “Everything packed and labelled?”

“Everything,” they answered.

“Well, let’s start then!” He stepped out of the front-door. It was a fine night, and the black sky was dotted with stars. He looked up, sniffing the air. “What fun! What fun to be off again, on the road with dwarves! This is what I have really been longing for, for years! Good-bye!” he said, looking at his old home and bowing to the door. “Good-bye, Gandalf!”

“Good-bye for the present, Bilbo. Take care of yourself! You are old enough, and perhaps wise enough.”

“Take care! I don’t care. Don’t worry about me! I am as happy now as I have ever been, and that is saying a great deal. But the time has come. I am being swept off my feet at last,” he added, and then in a low voice, as if to himself, he sang softly in the dark:

The Road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began

Now far ahead the Road has gone, and I must follow, if I can

Pursuing it with eager feet, until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

He paused, silent for a moment. Then without another word he turned away from the lights and voices in the fields and tents, and followed by his three companions went round into his garden, and trotted down the long sloping path. He jumped over a low place in the hedge at the bottom, and took to the meadows, passing into the night like a rustle of wind in the grass.

Gandalf remained for a while staring after him into the darkness. “Good-bye, my dear Bilbo - until our next meeting!” he said softly and went back indoors.

Healing Rain

Today as I was out on a run with my dog Mojo it was so humid and muggy. Let it be known, I am no runner. I hate running. I get tired and my knees hurt and I hate being out of breath, just no. This fat girl don't run thank you. However, sometimes I get inspired to go for a good long run. And today was one of them. Why? God only knows. And I am tired, exhausted really. I am ready to die! So as I came back down around the point and right alongside the water I threw my arms back and lifted my hands, and asked God for some rain. "Let it pour God!" I cried aloud. And I was answered. 
It felt so good. So cleansing. I seriously felt like crying. The tiny droplets on my skin and the amazing feeling you get when you are taking care of your body. The feeling of all the sweat and dirt washing off my body, I was so overwhelmed with the joy of knowing that this is how it is as a Christian. God washes away all of the 'dirt' and 'gunk' on our outside and in. Because He loves us so much. The cool rain on my hot skin was the best feeling. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't stop shouting. "Sweet Jesus let it rain!" and "You are my reason for living!" left my mouth as I continued to run. And my personal favorite, "Wash me in your Heavenly, healing rain Father!"
And when I returned home and collapsed in my bed I thought, "Katie you lucky girl. You truly were washed in some Heavenly healing rain."
You see, today is the four and a half year anniversary of my mom's death. It's funny because I thought that after all this time since my mama went Home that my heart would be completely healed. Completely is not the right word, because it's not. There are plenty of days like this one where my heart hurts so, so bad. But then I remember, so many things have been falling together the more I've turned to Him. My Savior. My heart is healing, I'm not afraid of life anymore without my mom. I'm not afraid to keep going, His Heavenly rain has washed all those thoughts away. I'm not afraid. I'm okay. I'm healing. I'm okay. I will be okay. I am okay. Continue to wash me in your Heavenly, healing rain Jesus. Let it rain.

Michael W Smith says it perfectly...
Healing rain, is coming down.
It's coming closer, to the lost and found.
Tears of joy, and tears of shame.
Are forever washed in Heaven's name.

"I love my father as the stars - he's a bright shining example and a happy twinkling in my heart."

Adabella Radici

~

Happy Birthday daddy, I love you.

Don’t bother trying to explain your emotions. Live everything as intensely as you can and keep whatever you felt as a gift from God. If you think that you won’t be able to stand a world in which living is more important than understanding, then give up magic now.

Paulo Coelho in Brida

I have been obsessed with tea ceremonies as of late.

And listening to Chinese tea ballads. 

I also just really love tea. 

One of my favorite things to do is sit at my favorite Chinese restaurant

 with my brother, drink tea and catch up.

We feel so authentic and classy.

Delicious.

1.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says ‘No, you are beautiful.’
I wonder why I cannot be both.
He kisses me 
hard.
2.
My college theater professor once told me
that despite my talent,
I would never be cast as a romantic lead.
We do plays that involve singing animals
and children with the ability to fly,
but apparently no one
has enough willing suspension of disbelief
to go with anyone loving a fat girl.
I daydream regularly
about fucking my boyfriend vigorously on his front lawn.

3.
On the mornings I do not feel pretty,
while he is still asleep,
I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for motive,
for a punchline,
for other girls’ phone numbers.

4.
When we hold hands in public, 
I wonder if he notices the looks —
like he is handling a parade balloon on a crowded sidewalk;
if he notices that my hands are now made of rope.

5.
Dear Cosmo: Fuck you.
I will not take sex tips from you
on how to please a man you think I do not deserve.

6.
He tells me he loves me with the lights on.

7.
I can cup his hip bone in my hand,
feel his ribs without pressing very hard at all.
He does not believe me when I tell him he is beautiful. 
Sometimes I fear the day he does will be the day he leaves.

8.
The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop 
assumes we are just friends
and flirts over the counter.
I spend the next two weeks
mentally replacing myself with her
in all of our photographs.
When I admit this to him
we spend the evening taking new photos together.
He will not let me delete a single one of them.

9.
The phrase “Big girls need love too” can die in a fire.
Fucking me does not require an asterisk.
Loving me is not a fetish.
Finding me beautiful is not a novelty. 
I am not a fucking novelty.

10.
I say, ‘I am fat.’
He says, ‘No. You are so much more’,
and kisses me
hard.

—	Rachel Wiley, 10 Honest Thoughts On Being Loved By A Skinny Boy

These Truths

32 Things We've All Learned Along the Way

Some of my favorites:

2. That moment during an argument when you realize that you're wrong.

5. How the Hell do you fold a fitted sheet?!

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

22. We would rather carry in 10+ bags of groceries in, in one trip. Not two.

24. Trying to decipher that fine line between boredom and hunger.

The Hobbit

Today my best friend and I finished reading Tolkien's "The Hobbit." This was her first time reading it and my... tenth or eleventh. And that's not counting all the times my mother read it to my brother and I. (We were very lucky kids. Our bedtime stories consisted of 'A Wrinkle in Time, Phantom Tollbooth, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, C.S. Lewis and Tolkien.)

My goodness, you needed an arc to get around we were sobbing tidal waves. I can still hear my friend crying, "Why did Fili and Kili and Thorin have to die?!" And I wondered that too. Thorin so desperately wanted to restore his Homeland to his people. To give his precious sister-sons a Home. He dreamed of that day for years. He lost so much and gained so little and then, when his dreams were finally coming true his life was dashed away. And the lives of his boys too.

Maybe I'll never know.

The list of people that I know whom have passed away is only getting longer.

I was warned about this when I was younger.

Today I sat down at our upright grand piano for only the fifth time since my mother passed away. It was as if no time had passed at all. My fingers were gliding effortlessly across the keys as I played song after song. It was utterly fantastic. In the quiet of the night, with the house all to myself-there was only silence. Save for the hauntingly beautiful sound the piano makes as it fills the home and the heart with memories and sounds long missed.

That's How Mom Would Do It

Jeannie Anderson & Alice Rhoda's Chocolate Chip Cookies

MIX

3 eggs

2 sticks of sweet cream butter

2 table spoons of vanilla

1 cup suger

1/2 cup brown sugar

ADD

3 cups flour

2 teaspoons salt

2/3 teaspoons cream of tar tar

ADD

1/2 cup chocolate chips

1/4 cup butterscotch chips

1/4 cup peanut butter chips

BAKE at 350

BAKE for 20 minutes

Friend, you are a divine mingle-mangle of guts and stardust. 
So hang in there!

Frank Capra

Daily Word: Faith

I decided that every now and then (at least once a month) that I will do a blog post about one single word. A friend of mine who I love to pieces gave me a most wonderful gift. It a little box filled with 3X5 cards with single words on them. We have have parted ways since then, she to a different part of the country, and I see now how wonderful these gems are.

So today the word I grabbed is "Faith."
This was one of my mom's favorite words.

There is a line from one of her favorite songs that goes, "To hear with my heart. To see with my soul. To be guided by a hand I cannot hold. To trust in a way that I cannot see. That's what Faith must be." 
Throughout her battle with cancer, being a mom with two crazy teenagers and all the drama that comes with them, and work, and running a home that included feeding said teenagers and our father every day, and making time to be with her friends, and taking time for herself - that song, "That's What Faith Must Be" and more specifically that line was her mantra.
Till the day she died she had Faith.

1 Corinthians 13:13
"Now these three remain; faith hope and love. And the greatest of these is love." (NIV)

Song of the Day

Because music is the language that we all understand. I read somewhere on Tumblr or Pintrest a great quote.
"Music gives worth to those who feel worthless."
I believe at one point or another we have all felt that way. Music is beautiful, it speaks mountains. I love sharing the music I enjoy. And I love when others share with me the music they love and enjoy.

So something I'd like to start this year is a "Song of the Day." It will most likely be a song of the week, but I digress. Song of the Day sounds catchier.

Ready to catch a glimpse of my soul?
My first Song of the Day is: Chasing the Light by Mat Kearney

Mat Kearney is one of my most favorite artists ever. I've seen him live a few times, my most favorite concert was when he toured with Train this past September. I don't know if I've been under a rock but I heard this song for the first time then and it was such an experience. I believe that's what all of us in our twenties are doing. We're just tumbling around left and right making mistakes, hopefully learning from them. And we're hoping and praying that we'll turn out okay in the end. We're all just chasing the light.

Chasing the Lights

While I am no stranger to Blogger, I have not posted an entry in over three years. My other blog is still near and dear to my heart, but as I read it for the first time I can tell you that, that girl I wrote about isn't me. Not anymore. LonelyLittleBird was the outlet I needed during my time of grief. Sorrow. Of emptiness and utter loneliness. Despair. That isn't me anymore.
I'd like to start this new year and new blog with one of my favorite quotes.

"Where there's life there's hope." -J.R.R. Tolkien